Hard Roads

"Do not ask God the way to heaven; He will show you the hardest one." --Stanislaw J. Lec

"For, behold, I have refined thee, I have chosen thee in the furnace of affliction." 1 Nephi 20:10

I'm not sure why I'm this way, but I'm one of those people who has to learn everything the hard way. You can't tell me the fire is hot and have me believe you; I have to stick my finger into the flame and learn it for myself. And I'm hard-headed, so some lessons take learning over and over and over again before I finally get it.

It gets discouraging sometimes when, at 42, I find myself making the same mistakes and bad decisions I've made for 20 years. When will it finally penetrate my mind, and when will I finally learn to take the lesson to heart?

There is so much on my mind this morning that this post may be a little muddled. But bear with me, because I really need to say these things today.

Judgment

I hate feeling like I'm constantly being judged by others. I love the movie "A Knight's Tale," and every time the vile Count Adamar says, "You have been weighed, you have been measured, and you have been found wanting," I want to smack the smug smile off his face. How dare he count any human being of no accord? Each person is created in the image of deity, and each of us has the seed of divinity within.

I know too many people who have given up on me and my husband. They have judged us, and they have done so in error. They have attributed hardness of heart and anger to what is in fact achingly tender hearts and acute pain. We were betrayed by people who were responsible for helping care for us. Those wounds cut deep, and will take a lot of time to heal.

Personal Revelation

Each person has the responsibility to find his/her own answers in life. What is right for one person is completely wrong for another.

My sorrow and pain over my inability to become a mother in this lifetime are very real. If my husband and I have chosen not to adopt, there is not one person on this earth who has the right to judge us for that. If we say that we have prayed and pondered whether we should adopt, and our answers were a very clear "No," that should suffice for anyone. To the people who accuse me of lying or being mistaken, shame on you! There have been two issues in my life where the answers to my prayers were so sharp and clear that I can still quote them, word for word, years and years later. If you are spoken to so clearly and distinctly by Heavenly Father, trust me--you will not mistake it and you will not forget it. Furthermore, if you are wise, you will accept it.

I do not know why Heavenly Father has chosen that we will not become parents in this life. I hate it. When Joe and I did in-vitro fertilization, only to lose the twins within a few short weeks, I wanted to die. I didn't understand why I would have been prepared for years that I would have twins, only to lose them before they even came to earth. I didn't understand why Joe and I would both have the same revelation about our son's name, only to never be able to hold him in our arms.

What I do understand, though, is that this is a burden I must bear. I have tried to help other families who are carrying the same burden. Many of them get different answers than I did. Many of them do, in fact, get to give birth or adopt. I can truly say that I'm not jealous of them. I'm so grateful that they get to have that marvelous blessing. Mother Teresa said once that God would not give her anything she could not handle, and she only wished that He didn't trust her so much. Well, that's pretty much how I feel.

A Plea

Don't ever look at someone's exterior and judge that person solely on his appearance. We've all heard the old canard about not judging a book by its cover. Someone may go to church every Sunday and have the hardest, bitterest heart imaginable. Someone may not go to church, and may be soft-hearted and tender and loving, but be in almost unbearable pain.

Each person on this earth is shaped by so many factors that it would be difficult, if not impossible, to account for them all. We're shaped by genetics and by our upbringing. We're shaped by the events that unfold around us. We're shaped by actions we take and actions we fail to take. We're shaped by what we do and by what is done to us.

I have been sexually molested. I have been raped. I am an alcoholic, who has been sober for more than 20 years. I have an eating disorder. I have severe depression and some anxiety problems. I am infertile. I have attention-deficit disorder, and didn't know it until I was 41 years old.

I care passionately about other people. I don't care what their sexual orientation is--that's their business, not mine. I don't care what religion someone else practices. I just want to love people. I want to look into each person's eyes and see who that person was meant to be, and do all I can to help her achieve it. I want to be accepted, and I want to accept others.

Being the big Harry Potter freak that I am, I'm reminded of the sorting hat's insistence that the 4 houses at Hogwarts need to unite. It is time for Gryffindor, Hufflepuff, Ravenclaw and Slytherin to find the common bonds between them and unite, rather than holding themselves aloof because of their differences. Well, that's what I want for mankind. I want us to quit looking at our differences as excuses to hold ourselves aloof, and instead find the factors that unite us and bind us together, and celebrate life, celebrate God, and celebrate each other.