The good and bad about being fat

Let's face it--fat people, except those who have glandular disorders or other medical causes of their obesity, must get something out of it. Otherwise, they wouldn't be fat. I've been thinking a lot about this, wondering what I've gotten out of it. What were the benefits, for me, of being fat?

Well, first of all, it saved me from a lot of unwanted attention during a time in my life that I wanted to be freed from that type of attention. On the other hand, the men who did pay attention to me seemed to assume that because I was fat and lonely, I was easy. So that was a mixed bag.

I also got to eat good food. Let's face it--there's something very satisfying about good food. Of course, I was frequently sick at my stomach because of having eaten something too greasy or eaten too much quantity. And I wasn't really eating good food. It was more like--junk food. Fast food. I eat a much better quality of food right now, even if I'm not downing sacher tortes or chicken carbonara like there was no tomorrow.

It made me feel better. It did! When I was angry about something I couldn't control, I ate something yummy. When I was sad about something, I ate something yummy. When I felt great, and was having a good time, it was only natural to eat something yummy. Of course, when I saw how fat I kept getting, I didn't feel better. I felt worse. So I ate something yummy. Are we seeing a pattern here? And how's this one: Someone I cared about put me down because I was fat. So I said, I'll show him! And I went to get the greasiest nastiest meal I could stomach, because he called me fat. I showed him, I did. I showed him another 70 pounds! Okay, so why did I feel the need to get fatter because someone called me fat? Why couldn't I just blow off his opinion? Because I loved him. And it hurt. So, note to myself, figure out what to do when you're hurt, or angry, or sad, that doesn't involve making yourself more hurt, more angry, or more sad.

As I look at this, it becomes clear that the benefits of being fat weren't benefits at all. They added to my misery and unhappiness.

Top that with the very easily identifiable negatives of being fat.

The unwanted attention. A few events really stand out. One day I was crossing the street from the parking lot to the building I worked in. Some young cocky frat boys were speeding up the road. Instead of slowing down to allow me to finish crossing the street, they sped up and roared with laughter as I hastily jumped back. They hollered "Fat bitch" out their windows at me. I had been in a good mood until that moment. It hurt so much that their behavior was so rude. I wondered what made me a bitch in their eyes, other than the fact that I was fat. Sadly, I was much slimmer than I ultimately allowed myself to become. I think I wore around a size 18 or 20 at that time. Another time I was visiting in San Francisco with my then-fiance, his brother and brother's girlfriend, and his parents. We had stopped somewhere for lunch, and Joe offered to split a piece of cheesecake with me. I ate a few bites, and when I went to get a third or fourth bite, he laughingly took it away and told me I'd had enough. It would have been uncomfortable enough if it had just been the two of us; his doing that in front of his family humiliated me terribly. I left the table, went to the bathroom, cried, and tried to make myself vomit. Fortunately, I couldn't, so I had to just regain my composure and rejoin them and try to pretend that my feeling hadn't been hurt.

And clothes--trying to find attractive and affordable clothes in sizes ranging from a women's 18 up to a women's 24 is difficult. Fortunately, there are some designers who care about clothing all women, regardless of their size, specifically Elizabeth Claiborne and Tommy Hilfiger. They make beautiful clothing that is designed to make a woman look good, and for that I am truly grateful. I will buy from them for the rest of my life, regardless of what size I am, because they cared about me when I was fat. It also gets a little insulting when a store (Target is really bad about this) will have a nice large selection of junior and misses sized clothing, and shove the teeny plus size section off with the maternity section. I think it's insulting to both fat women and to pregnant women. Pregnant women aren't fat. And it gets even more frustrating when the teeny plus size section gets all shoved out of the way and crammed together so that all the clearance racks of "normal" sized clothing can get put in the plus size secton. It makes me feel like they think I'm a secondary citizen.

So after I sit down and look at the perceived good and bad about being fat, it turns out that, in my opinion, there's not much good about being fat. It makes me feel just a little better about passing up that little Christmas cake Joe left on the counter last night that I successfully avoided. People at my Weight Watchers meeting often quote that saying about how nothing tastes as good as being thin feels. I hate that saying, but I'm starting to suspect that it's right, and looking forward to finding out.