Moving Forward

It's interesting. I've noted that people seem to think, because of the way A. died and the circumstances that led up to her death, it's almost indecent to acknowledge that I've suffered a loss. My truest friends have been nothing but kind and loving and compassionate. And I received a sympathy card from a dear lady I used to work with, and was deeply moved by it. But my in-laws (some of whom know the whole story, and others just know that one of my sisters passed away last week) have not made any acknowledgment to me of my loss, nor have some other people from whom I might have expected it. Granted, my in-laws--as much as I love them--are far from being overly sensitive of my feelings (e.g. they completely ignored the IVF, both the attempts and the loss). Still, it stings.

Liz met me for lunch today, and we shared a chicken-fried steak meal at Chili's. It's the first food I've eaten since A. died that actually tasted good to me, and it's the first full meal Liz has eaten in that time period as well. That indicates that we're moving through the initial stages of the grief and finding some pleasures in life again.

I've felt a little guilty, like maybe I am cold or something, because I haven't reacted with the major outrushings of grief that Liz and Mom have. Don't get me wrong; I have wept and sobbed over A.'s death. I never quite know when it's going to hit me. I can be watching "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory" and start bawling. But except for those moments, and except for when I'm listening to J. or Liz or my husband talk about A.'s life and death, I have remained pretty calm. Perhaps it's partly because I can recognize that A. never "fit" into this world, and now she's somewhere that she can, I pray, find in death the peace that escaped her in life. I don't know for sure why I'm feeling this calmness, but I'm grateful for it.

Sometime in October, I made the decision to quit watching R-rated movies. I went years where I never even thought to watch one, but I started watching them around '99 or 2000. I kept insisting that it didn't affect me, and I was careful in what I watched, but that's not true. They did affect me, and I can see it all the more clearly now that I no longer watch them. I started to watch a movie the other night that had been described as a very funny and enjoyable movie, but had to turn it off after about 15 minutes because it was just disgusting. I didn't find any humor in the sexual innuendos, particularly some that were pedophilic (is that even a word?) in nature. I don't know that I would have even paid those things any heed before. So yes, they did affect me in a way that I am not comfortable with. I'm glad they're not in my life anymore.

Also, my husband has long hated the fact that I used to watch the police and crime shows on TV. I told him that I grew up with a mother who was a forensic investigator, and have read and watched police and crime novels and shows all my life, and kept watching. But when I moved back home after Joe and I had been separated for a few months, I decided to try paying attention to his concerns. It truly bothered him that I watched CSI and Law & Order, and it certainly didn't hurt me to quit watching those shows. So I quit. On the night I learned that A. had probably been involved in a homicide and was herself killed in a police shootout, I thanked heaven that I had paid attention to my husband and quit watching those shows. I don't think I'll ever watch them again. Liz said she turned on CSI Thursday night, through sheer force of habit, only to turn it off within about 5 seconds. It's amazing how your perspective changes when your life is closely touched by crime.

Please don't think this is a condemnation in any way of people who watch R-rated movies or crime shows. It's not. It is, rather, a recognition that I am happier having made the decision, for whatever reasons, to eliminate them from my own life.

More moving on stuff: Joe got a fantastic job offer from a company that he has been wanting to work with. It is a great opportunity for him, and I'm so glad that this worked out. Also, I got notice from the teacher certification program that I have been accepted into the English-Language Arts-Reading Grades 4-8 program. I am taking my content area exam on February 18th, and can then start applying for teaching jobs for the 2006-2007 school year. And Joe went to church yesterday for the first time since I had my hysterectomy performed, a few years ago. That's perhaps the best thing of all.