Depression

Depression is horrible. It's just horrible. As much as I love words, I don't think I even have the words to describe depression. And what is almost worse than the depression itself is how people around you deal with it. Just today Joe told me to stop being so emotional about everything. I've had people tell me that I just need to cheer up. For someone with major depression, being told to just "cheer up" is like a woman with infertility being told to relax, and it'll happen. I'd like to offer a big, hearty, f-u to everyone who thinks that's the answer to depression.

I had two "major depressive episodes," to use the modern lingo, (nervous breakdowns if you're older) this summer. Having been through them, I know what it feels like. I have this horrible feeling that one is coming on again, and I'm scared stiff. I don't have the money to be able to not work, and spend my days going to therapy and psychiatrists who don't care. I have to go to work to this pissass little job that I hate so that I can make enough money to pay my debts and save up for the few months this summer that I'll be in school instead of working.

I am taking my anti-depressants, and I strongly suspect my doctor will raise the dosage when I go see him next week.

Sometimes, when I get into this dark a place, I wish I could just go completely insane. Just lose it totally, not care anymore, and get put away. Let someone else deal with things for a while. I'm tired of being scared. I'm tired of being strong. I'm tired of having people offer easy solutions for problems they can't even begin to understand. I'm tired. I'm just tired.