Grieving for a life unlived

my grief cannot be stuffed behind mountains of cookies that leave their sweet crumbs guiltily clinging to the bedsheets
it cannot be hidden behind the smooth porcelain veneer of benefit and clinique cosmetics on my face and the thriftstore clothing finds that finally fit my smaller body
no
it slides down my cheeks leaving trails in my powder and smearing my mascara
it makes my face crumple in violent paroxysms of silent sobs
as i remember a life unlived

oh sure in the first days and weeks i ate the chocolate frosting and laughed and cried
and remembered
the easy-bake oven and felt guilty for being angry
and remembered
the slut shoes and felt guilty for being angry
and remembered
sitting on the front porch with our arms around each other
and felt guilty
for being angry
and remembered
giving the afghan to your son no longer your son
and felt guilty for being angry
and remembered
holding your son no longer your son
and felt guilty
for being angry
and remembered
weeping for the man i never met who now is gone
and felt guilty
for hurting more for you than for him
and wondered why you were there
and if you did it
and felt guilty
because i knew you did not
and felt guilty
because some people did
and felt guilty
because i wouldn't talk to you
the last time you called
and felt guilty
because you'll never call me again
and felt guilty
because i love you and you're gone
and felt guilty
and felt guilty
and felt guilty
and felt guilty

and i still feel guilty as now i think of you
and i wish i could talk to you and tell you how much i love you
and i wish we could sit on my front porch one more time
and put our arms around each other
and lean our heads on each others shoulders
and say i love you
i love you
i love you
and i'd un-throw away your slut shoes
and i'd un-give away the easy-bake oven
and i'd buy you the damn can of chocolate frosting and watch you eat it with your child's glee and joy and watch you savor every bite and i'd smear chocolate frosting on your face and i'd hug you and maybe things would be different
and maybe they wouldn't
but you'd know
you'd know
you'd know
you'd know how much i love you
and i always have
and i always will
because you're my sister
and that's what sisters do
they love each other
like i love you
and i'd still cry when you had to leave but it would be different because we'd know
i hope you know now