More Nightmares

I had more nightmares last night, very Daliesque, á la Un Chien Andalou—which I’ve never seen, because the thought of watching an eyeball being sliced with razors is just a little more than I can stomach.

On a side note, why do people feel compelled to talk about their dreams? Children tell their parents, people tell their spouses, and here I am about to tell you. Just wondering.

Anyway, I was attending the University of Texas, being haunted by a ghost that only I could see. No one believed me. One man pretended to believe me, but somehow I knew that he was going to betray me. And I could see the whole sequence of my gullible belief of him, and the results of his betrayal of me. And I describe it as Daliesque, but it was also reminiscent of the more recent Japanese horror films.

Other nightmares, ones that I cannot escape because they are my life:

Joe’s angry with me this morning because I only put $1200 on my bennies card and it’s all used up. There’s nothing like being screamed and cussed at and hung up on several times before 7:30 a.m. It apparently doesn’t matter to him that I figured out an estimate for my entire year’s medical and dental expenses, including doctor and specialist visits, dental expenses, and prescriptions. When I told him my estimate, which would have been off at least by the $268 I spent on my glasses (because I didn’t know how much extra they cost above our vision benefits due to the fact that I wear bifocals and got the progressives), he insisted that I couldn’t put that much money on my card, because he put extra money on his card. He finally reluctantly allowed me to put $1200 on my card. I’ve done the majority of my dental work for the year, had one doctor appointment, paid for several prescriptions, and bought my glasses. So my card’s virtually empty. I have a neurologist appointment today and asked for his card so I can pay for my appointment. Hence his temper tantrum. Was his temper allayed when I calmly pointed out the facts I’ve just mentioned above? Fuck no. I got sworn at and hung up on again. At this point I feel like I don’t ever want to talk to him again.

I also told him that I want to get a henna tattoo for the play. He refused. Well, right now, the way I’m feeling, again I say, fuck that. If I want to get a henna tattoo, damnit, I’m getting one. The whole point of my costume for the play is that I’m a seething mass of rebellion. Ironic that my husband won’t give me permission to get a HENNA tattoo, one that will wash away in 8 weeks or so!!!!

I feel like I should say here that Joe ate a considerable portion of Belgian chocolate yesterday. Whenever he eats chocolate, it wreaks havoc on his emotions. So does that excuse things? Well, part of me says yes, but the other part of me, the part that’s been yelled at, sworn at, and hung up, says fuck no, because he’s old enough to know that it wreaks havoc on his emotions, and he knows that he takes it out on me, and I’m fucking sick and tired of having him take it out on me. So this morning I say that it most emphatically does NOT excuse things.

He’s also stressed because his employer told him yesterday that the company that has had him on site has not renewed the contract. He may be on site there for up to another two months, but his employer does not know if they will be able to find him another position locally. That could mean relocating. Today I say fine. Let him move. I’m staying here. I know that’s not nice, and I might not really mean that. Then again, maybe I do.

I’m reminded at this point of a Buffy episode. Earshot. She’s telling Jonathan, who has gone up to the tower to shoot himself because his life sucks so bad, that her life happens, on occasion, to “suck beyond the telling of it.” He is marveling because she’s so beautiful and gorgeous and has good friends, and he can’t believe that her life could ever suck. She tells him that the reason no one out there notices him is because everyone is so consumed with their own problems. Unlike Buffy, I’m not beautiful or gorgeous. I’ve got my own style, and I like it. I’ve got good friends, and am making more. I keep myself busy, and I have a purpose to my life that makes me happy. But there are times when my life sucks beyond the telling of it. Today’s one of those days.

There is good to report, and I’ll do that later. Right now I had to get the bad out.