Tonight when I was praying before bed, I suddenly started thinking of A. and how much I miss her, and just started crying and can't stop. I lay in bed for an hour, hoping I'd be able to shut off my mind and go to sleep. Then I decided to get up and write some of it out.

I'm so glad I had that time with her when she stayed with us for about 5 months, back in 2003/2004. I remember one day the two of us were just sitting outside on the front porch stoop, and she hugged me and told me she loved me. I told her how much it meant to me that she came, and how much I treasured and loved her.

I wish I'd been quicker to forgive what happened after that, because I know she didn't mean to hurt me. I know that she was in so much pain herself that it never even dawned on her that (a) I'd find out and (b) how badly it would hurt me.

You know what's sad? A month or two before all this happened, I knew that I was ready to get in touch with her. I wasn't ready to talk to her on the phone yet, so I asked my mom and Liz if they had her e-mail address. Neither of them did, so I figured I'd wait it out until I was ready to talk to her.

A., this is for you:

I love you so much! I'm so sorry that I didn't talk to you when you called me, and I'm sorry that I didn't get over myself more quickly. The chocolate frosting was good--I think it took just over a week for me to finish it off, and I thought of you with every bite. And I promise that no child who asks me for a can of frosting will ask in vain. Thank you for the Easy-Bake Oven. That was one of the nicest things anyone's ever done for me, and I had so much fun when you and I baked and ate everything that came with it. I found some pictures of you that we took while you were here, and Liz and I are going to make copies for J. I hope that's okay. We've adopted J., and we're going to keep in touch with him. When we go visit your grave, he's going to meet us out there, okay? Did you know that when you left our house to go back to Utah, Joe and I sat in your room and cried? When you allowed yourself to be loved and to love back, you were so incredible. Remember that letter I wrote you? Do you remember when I told you that I have always loved you and I always will? Well, I do, and I always will.