In case you can't tell, by reading my posts over the last few weeks, I've been really uncomfortable with my own self image as opposed to what I see when photographs are taken of me. Particularly after yesterday, I started questioning whether I'd made the right choice of costume. So I've been bugging everyone who saw me, my husband, my sister, the director, etc. And they've all been totally awesome.
S. (the director) said that she thought I looked great, but if I want to keep working on my look, to feel free to do so.
My husband said that I looked good. He also recognizes, I think, part of what's troubling me. I've lost 42 pounds now, but my body's not changing as quickly outside as I am inside. And that's part of the problem. I see in the mirror and in the clothes I'm wearing now how much smaller I am than I was 7 or 8 months ago, but when I see a photograph of myself, all I see is everything I still need to lose. I also see the problem areas that I can already tell you I'm going to get plastic surgery to correct. I think he's right about that. I also told him that I was trying to let out my inner rebel with my costume for the show. He said that my inner rebel isn't a goth punk rocker, but that it's more like Chaucer in the movie "A Knight's Tale"--me walking down the road bare-assed and mooning the world. Of course, I wouldn't do that either, but you get the idea.
And my sister said the last thing I needed to finish feeling secure about my costume. I'm pasting it right from her e-mail, because it made me feel so good that I wanted to keep it where I can find it again when I'm feeling insecure again. Because trust me, I will. Here's what she said: You didn't look horrible. I just saw your blog, but haven't responded yet. You looked--I'm looking for the right word here. Hard? I think that's a good word. You looked hard, which is quite unlike how you usually look. And while I do think you are being hyper self-critical, I also think you are prettier in person than you are on film. You have a spark (crossed with a softness, which is interesting) to your face that the camera doesn't quite know how to catch. Don't know if that makes sense or not. But you didn't look horrible.
I've got the bestest sister in the world.
P.S. What I wrote about the glitter earlier, trust me when I say it won't come off your contacts. I thought I'd gotten it off, and wore my contacts to work today. I've spent the day today blinking in an effort to see, taking them out and rinsing them off again, putting saline in my eyes, etc. OW!!! I'm going to go home, throw this pair of contacts away, and wear glasses for the rest of the week to give my eyelids time to heal. They've got to be scratched from the glitter, because when I put saline in, even though I can temporarily (as in for about 5 minutes) see clearly, it burns like a sonuvagun. So just for emphasis, I'm going to repeat this admonition: If you wear glitter eyeliner or eyeshadow, take your contacts out before you wash your face. The glitter will get on your contacts and will not come off. It will scratch your eyelids. It will make it hard for you to see clearly. It will hurt like you can't imagine. And you'll have to throw your contacts away, which is a sad waste of a perfectly good pair of contacts!
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2 comments:
You know, I really think Joe hit the nail on the head. That IS the kind of rebellious you are. That was a perfect description.
Good to know, no glitter with contacts.
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